What We Owe Our Kids
Kid Sense is seventeen now, and I’m thinking a lot about my parental responsibilities as she closes in on adulthood. Striking the right balance between supportive nurturing and encouraging independence is tough; every child is different, and they don’t come with instruction manuals.
I love Kid deeply. When she excels at something, my heart soars with pride, and when she fails or makes a moral misstep, I struggle not to take it personally. Like most parents, Mr. Sense and I feel a heavy sense of responsibility for steering her in the right direction. This is partly because we love her, but also because we believe that we are God’s stewards of this important time in her life. Kid’s life and future belong to God, and we see her time in our home and her adoption into our family as a gift and sacred assignment from God. As adoptive parents, it feels very natural to view parenting this way. We’re very aware that we did not create Kid. The same God who controls the universe intervened right here in the Shenandoah Valley to bring our family together. The joys and sorrows we navigate as family are all side effects of the job God offered us, and we gratefully accepted, to become parents in this way. We believe the job description looks something like this:
1) Be examples of Christian love and obedience to God. 1 John 5:3 tells us “the love of God is this, that we obey his commandments.” This is our most important job, and we fall short every single day. When we fail, we must repent and try again. We have a sacred duty to teach Kid about God’s righteous law and constantly emphasize God’s call on our lives. Scripture famously commands parents “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise” (Deut. 6:5-7). Clearly, there is no vacation from our obligation to God’s law or exception for when we are tired or annoyed with whatever else is going on in our lives. Though we don’t always love God and our neighbors as we should and we fail to keep God’s law completely, we strive to show Kid that is our goal.
I’m very fortunate to have parents who did their best to model godly living for my sisters and me. A primary example of this was through their marriage, which set the standard for us as we grew up and was top of mind for me when I considered getting married myself. Witnessing my parents’ marriage up close and comparing it to the very different models I’d seen at friends’ houses and elsewhere, I developed a strong sense of what I wanted. Honest communication, kindness, and humor stood out as absolute requirements. Mr. Sense and I were blessed to both have parents who stayed married through good times and hard times, steadfastly honoring their vows. Their choices influence how we approach our own marriage. Besides encouraging Kid to grow her relationship with Christ, we believe modeling godly marriage is the greatest gift we can give at this point in her life. A strong, happy marriage mirrors God’s love for us and showcases the fruits of the Spirit.
Another area where we seek to instruct Kid in the goodness of God’s laws is how we manage our money. Our stewardship of our financial resources shows where our hearts really are. We sometimes miss the mark, but we hope to manage our money such that Kid sees our commitment to God’s law. Just like in our marriage and other relationships, our financial dealings can honor God through love and generosity, or err towards dishonesty and selfishness. The primary focus of this blog is financial choices for Christians and the opportunities for people who find creative ways to reach financial independence relatively early in life. I’m not a pastor or a certified financial planner, but I hope to honor God through mindfully stewarding my resources and having conversations with other Christians who are interested in the possibilities that financial independence allows: early retirement, increased charitable giving, volunteering, nontraditional educational options, travel, and countless ministry opportunities. Our hope is that these ideas come through to our daughter.
2) Another obvious part of our parental job description is providing for our child. Of course, this responsibility doesn’t mean hopeful parents need to be wealthy. Kids don’t need expensive electronics, fancy daycares and summer camps, or even debt-free college tuition. On the other hand, Mr. Sense and I take care that our frugality and financial goals don’t deprive Kid of anything that would meaningfully enhance her life. The Bible doesn’t have an exact standard of parental provision, but it’s clear that parental love involves some sacrifices. Jesus asked his followers “If you…know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11). Later, when Paul writes to the church in Corinth, he gives them a heads up that he will work to support himself while he’s there so the church will not have to pay his expenses, because “children ought not lay up for their parents, but parents for their children. I [Paul] will most gladly spend and be spent for you,” (2 Corinthians 12:14-15). Even though these verses are driving towards other points, the implication for parents is clear: of course we are responsible for providing for our kids’ needs.
3) Thirdly, we must be “diligent to discipline” our children. (Proverbs 13:24). Most of us have encountered kids and adults who clearly missed out on this parental gift. While correction rarely feels good in the moment, it is essential for bringing up kids with integrity. The trickiest part is finding a balance between setting reasonable rules and consequences that lead to improved behavior, and nitpicking that leads to frustration on all sides. As my sisters and I sometimes grumbled, parents aren’t supposed to “provoke” or “exasperate” their children (Ephesians 6:4).
As our daughter gets older, Mr. Sense and I increasingly rely on natural consequences. We try to encourage her independence by not reminding her about every form or email that she needs to address, and when non-catastrophic issues are looming, we just let them happen. (Mr. Sense is much better at this.) Kid has been excited about getting her driver’s license for months. To achieve this goal, she has to acquire forty-five practice driving hours and take a class. We’ve made ourselves available for practicing and promised to pay for the class, but given her the responsibility to track the hours (we sign off on them) and schedule the class. While she’s been of eligible age for a while and has access to a car to drive, she hasn’t quite taken the necessary step to get her license. This is sometimes inconvenient for her, and for Mr. Sense as well, since he has to drive her to some educational events and horse riding lessons. Nonetheless, we plan to allow this drawn out process to continue until Kid is ready to end the hassle and knock out the remaining requirements.
Similarly, we aim to give Kid the freedom to obey our rules willingly before we force things. We are concerned about teenage phone use late at night, for lots of reasons, not least of which is sleep disruption. Kid’s phone goes into downtime mode and is unusable at 10pm. When she went on a youth trip for a weekend not long ago, we switched off the downtime option in case of emergencies, but instructed her to avoid late night texting and web surfing. She didn’t resist the late night siren call of the iPhone, so the downtime setting was reinstituted when she got home without further discussion. This provided a clear case of cause-and-effect: she broke the rule, so the nighttime phone restriction returned after the trip. Next time Kid has a chance to earn additional phone related privileges, we hope this practical lesson will stick in her mind. Natural, well-calibrated consequences teach kids boundaries and ultimately set them up to become mature adults.
Parenting is a big job, and the cliche that “the days are long but the years are short” is proving very true as our daughter rounds the final bend of childhood. Mr. Sense and I are torn between apprehension and excitement about what the future holds for our daughter. We pray that God will use our imperfect efforts to draw Kid to Himself, and that all of our lives will glorify Him.
